since i'm in a bit of a sentimental mode, i wanted to share with you one of my favorite poems...
i carry your heart with me
by ee cummings
i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it
(anywhere i go you go,my dear;
and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Saturday, June 24, 2006
miles to nowhere
when i turned on the radio thursday morning, i should have realized what was in store for me. my routine business trip would become the trip to hell.
at 6:00 am, the man on the radio said that there was an accident on the only road into my destination. i did not worry, though, because i would be arriving hours later, surely they could clean up an accident by then.
little did i know the carma police had melded with the karma police.
i had been looking forward to this trip for work, close enough to the beaches where i had many good childhood memories. there is something different about the light and air that it has the power to rejuvenate someone simply by breathing it all in. i was happy for two days away from the office, in this magical place. it would be a chance for me to bond with my new car in our first road trip alone.
my decision to buy this vehicle was a life-altering decision except that the decision was made for me. getting an suburban assault vehicle had never really crossed my radar until i felt the linebacker-like bear hug as the other car slammed me from the side, the crunch pushing me across the intersection. the other driver hit the side of my car where my husband and two babies were sitting. the side of my car was so crushed that doctors were amazed no one in my family was hurt. we were hyper aware that if the car had been any other make and model than what it was, we would have had a very different outcome. mama bear had been poked hard and she was ready to tear someone's muthafcuking limbs off.
if i could have wrapped my family in a bubble-wrapped version of steel, i would. so i went out and bought the next best thing. a massive, gaz-guzzling suburban assault vehicle (sav) that is large enough that if another idiot attempts to bear hug my car while we're in it, that car better be a friggin' slinky to absorb the impact.
in the next battle of us vs. them, i am not taking any chances. the muthafcuker better bounce.
all of this just leads to my business trip from hell. rolling down the highway in morning traffic in my sav, i kept checking in on the traffic reports to see where the pitfalls were. thankfully, i caught the report as we started to back up when a tractor trailer slid across three lanes of an exit route, blocking all traffic. my sav and i sat sucking down gas quicker than a toothless, $5 hooker gives a blowjob.
hopping off at the next available exit and maneuvering back roads instead of the highways i can't get to, with three hours to go, i felt like i was driving miles to nowhere.
at 6:00 am, the man on the radio said that there was an accident on the only road into my destination. i did not worry, though, because i would be arriving hours later, surely they could clean up an accident by then.
little did i know the carma police had melded with the karma police.
i had been looking forward to this trip for work, close enough to the beaches where i had many good childhood memories. there is something different about the light and air that it has the power to rejuvenate someone simply by breathing it all in. i was happy for two days away from the office, in this magical place. it would be a chance for me to bond with my new car in our first road trip alone.
my decision to buy this vehicle was a life-altering decision except that the decision was made for me. getting an suburban assault vehicle had never really crossed my radar until i felt the linebacker-like bear hug as the other car slammed me from the side, the crunch pushing me across the intersection. the other driver hit the side of my car where my husband and two babies were sitting. the side of my car was so crushed that doctors were amazed no one in my family was hurt. we were hyper aware that if the car had been any other make and model than what it was, we would have had a very different outcome. mama bear had been poked hard and she was ready to tear someone's muthafcuking limbs off.
if i could have wrapped my family in a bubble-wrapped version of steel, i would. so i went out and bought the next best thing. a massive, gaz-guzzling suburban assault vehicle (sav) that is large enough that if another idiot attempts to bear hug my car while we're in it, that car better be a friggin' slinky to absorb the impact.
in the next battle of us vs. them, i am not taking any chances. the muthafcuker better bounce.
all of this just leads to my business trip from hell. rolling down the highway in morning traffic in my sav, i kept checking in on the traffic reports to see where the pitfalls were. thankfully, i caught the report as we started to back up when a tractor trailer slid across three lanes of an exit route, blocking all traffic. my sav and i sat sucking down gas quicker than a toothless, $5 hooker gives a blowjob.
hopping off at the next available exit and maneuvering back roads instead of the highways i can't get to, with three hours to go, i felt like i was driving miles to nowhere.
Monday, June 19, 2006
confessions of a not-so-bronze goddess
during most months of the year, people often remark on how fair and porcelain-like my skin is.
during the summer months, those same people ask there is something wrong with me.
pasty is my motto because really, there isn't any other way to be. my childhood was spent ("thanks, mom!") with agonizing sunburns from lackadaisical sunscreen applications. my blister-burn-repeat summer schedule made most things -- summer camp, a day at the beach, a ball game, even playing outdoors -- an ordeal for me.
and it's not like i am an albino where my little pink retinas will burst into flames upon seeing the sun and my skin lights up like a vampire at breakfast. i'm italian for crissakes but the german in me makes it's a wash.
well-meaning associates suggest short but frequent trips to a tanning salon. to which i often think, if someone wanted to commit suicide would we recommend only putting their head in the oven for short bursts of time? frequent trips to the cancer box is not in my future, in part, i think i might just combust if i went in.
"your friend?" the ditz behind the counter would say as she looked up at you, "she's toast. they're wiping her crumbs out of the bed as we speak. do you have an urn you wanna take her home in?"
although i enjoy being out in the sun, sometimes the course of action necessary to protect myself is not worth the efforts. sunscreens. hats. glasses. umbrellas. constantly seeking the need for shade is all a vexing struggle to win a war against the damn thing the world spins around. (and you thought you were the center of the universe!) and, after all the precautions, only to still burn and look like a pot of boiling water was thrown at me.
oh, i've tried self-tanners. for better or for worse, my sudden bouts of tanning are short-lived simply because of the effort involved with maintenance. i am lucky i remember to shave my legs everyday.
okay, once a week. (but it's still better than when i college i attempted to craft the "au natural" look. my husband is convinced he is still picking hair from between his teeth.)
i am simply lazy. and i have a thing for weird smells, nothing makes my lips curled back than getting a whiff of foul air and then realizing the chemical smell is coming from me. all to avoid the faux pas of what one magazine refreshingly described as, "tanned fat looks better than white fat."
and while we all know the white shorts are the enemy of both the fat and the pasty, i still long to one day, slide into a pair of white shorts, with long tanned legs sticking out of them (that are my own).
until they make that little pill, i'll just need to hide out in my lair until after after the sun goes down.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
goddess girls
from now on, i am only referring to my best girlfriends as the goddess girls because individually and collectively, we rock. frankly, i don't believe we give each other and ourselves enough credit for how awesome we are.
lisa: i would classify as athena, goddess of wisdom, justice and mercy. lisa is compassionate and fair and has developed her strengths to set limits to prevent others to sap her nurturing abilities. she finds kindness in all creatures and celebrates their goodness when others cannot. and she can also bend herself into a pretzel if she so chooses.
liz: i definitely would equate liz with hestia, the goddess of the hearth and home. her power comes from being centered first and foremost to those that she loves. she's definitely a nurturer like lisa but her service is to her family, both the one that she's chosen and the one she has not.
meg: i believe that meg is loyal and generous and kind. strong like artemis but soft and nurturing makes demeter, goddess of growth and grace a natural fit for meg. a true lady, meg is a friend who can wither and win someone over with some much as one look in their direction.
me: who am i? i am artemis, goddess of independence, power and strength. i am bold and fearless, yet know when to hang back and take direction.
i am also learning to be as mighty with the pen as i am with the sword.
lisa: i would classify as athena, goddess of wisdom, justice and mercy. lisa is compassionate and fair and has developed her strengths to set limits to prevent others to sap her nurturing abilities. she finds kindness in all creatures and celebrates their goodness when others cannot. and she can also bend herself into a pretzel if she so chooses. 
liz: i definitely would equate liz with hestia, the goddess of the hearth and home. her power comes from being centered first and foremost to those that she loves. she's definitely a nurturer like lisa but her service is to her family, both the one that she's chosen and the one she has not. 
meg: i believe that meg is loyal and generous and kind. strong like artemis but soft and nurturing makes demeter, goddess of growth and grace a natural fit for meg. a true lady, meg is a friend who can wither and win someone over with some much as one look in their direction. 
me: who am i? i am artemis, goddess of independence, power and strength. i am bold and fearless, yet know when to hang back and take direction. i am also learning to be as mighty with the pen as i am with the sword.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
measure up
we all have our inner demons which fill us full of self-doubt and chip away at our self-esteem. maybe if we shine the light on these demons they won't seem so bad in the daylight.
some demons that make me feel as if i don't measure up. sometimes i feel:
like my house, my clothes, my job, my body will never be good enough (and i don't know exactly who they won't be good enough for.)
as if i have not accomplished enough professionally
as if i am hideously ugly
like someday everyone will finally realize i am an idiot
like choosing the small, no-name college with a free ride was not all it's cracked up to be
out-of-place working in the boys club despite working towards changing it
like a sell-out for working in a "boys club"
like a sell-out not working in an animal's or women's shelter
like getting married young was a mistake
like getting married to my best friend was the best decision of my life
like i need to spend more time thinking of others
like i need to stop worrying about what others think
like i need to practice loving instead of hating no matter how much more fun it is to be snarky
like i'll never have enough money to be stable
like the class i was born into isn't good enough
like i will never escape where i came from even though it shapes everything about me
like this time, my diet will work
like things are going to change this time
like money is not the answer but it certainly helps ease the pain
like stability and trust can be highly overrated except in your self
like i'm a crappy doggy mom for not spending enough time with my girls
like i'm a crappy wife for not treating my husband with more respect
like i am invincible and utterly indestructible
like i am achilles and covering my heel
i am bored until a new challenge presents itself and i find myself wanting to be bored again
like the more things change, the more i stay the same.
and if you move real slow, you can hear the sound of silence.
some demons that make me feel as if i don't measure up. sometimes i feel:
and if you move real slow, you can hear the sound of silence.
dogercise
when my husband came home with the elliptical machine i never thought i would also get a personal trainer. or two.
after breaking into a sweat watching my husband and brother carry the hefty piece of machinery to our second-floor crap-room (i fully expected them to scratch the walls), i realized it was time to put up or shut up. my flabby thighs had no more excuses to not get to the gym. the mountain had come to mohammed. fat cells be damned!
besides the fact that my ass had now taken on the proportions of a dancer in a rap music video (shake that booty, booty!), the rest of my clothes were getting tight. so much in fact as when my concave boss announced her pregnancy, i felt sick.
i knew even in her 9th month of pregnancy that i would still weigh a good 30lbs heavier... when i was in my "thin phase". argghh.
when she told the crew of us assembled in her office, she asked is anyone else had an announcement to make. although i cannot say i spoke to anyone to confirm or deny, i swear heads turned towards me.
feeding my tapeworm and cheesy bread addiction led to a startling new discovery:
or maybe they were thinking i was pregnant and hadn't told anyone yet. what i really didn't want to tell anyone was that my expanding waistline was due to blindly eating a full bag of meredith's mess -- a scrumptious blend of almonds, chocolate chips, raisins and cashews from 'nuts to you' after lunch. or the cheesy bread course that came with lunch.
it was my own undoing. but now, i have dogercise.
after getting said elliptical machine from my archnemesis -- my mother-in-law -- i needed to actually use it. it only took only one morning to determine that i really am not a morning person.
that coupled with perhaps some of the best sleeping-in weather for the year (crisp and cool, windows open) killed any shot i had about working out twice a day as i originally schemed.
my method of fast-tracking my summer weightloss plan about 2 weeks before the official start of summer was to exercise my ass off. literally. workouts twice a day, 1200 calories, drunk dieting and a plan to stay away from adelle, my enabling drinking partner.
all of which got shot to shit. leaving us to the point in the story where my personal trainers come in. i was panting away on the elliptical one night -- "bouncing" as my husband calls it -- when i realized i wasn't the only one panting. ("things are just bouncing all over the place," he says. the sad part is that he is watching me from behind.)
seems sadie the rocking rottweiler was panting behind me and was none too happy. it seems the movement on the elliptical with arms flailing about on me and the machine made her nervous. it was also her kryptonite -- she was scared to get whacked by either of us and so kept her distance.
now if you know sadie, you'll know she prefers to be within licking distance of me at all times. the longer i stay on the elliptical, the longer i avoid a tongue bath from her. the longer i avoid the tongue bath, the more it pisses her off and will cause her to bark words of encouragement to me, "get down here momma so i can give you a kiss. right NOW, mamma. awww c'mon." pure magic, baby.
next in our circuit training is a tag-team affair. they tend to leave me alone to stretch (their daddy needs to bribe them with a cookie to give me a free 5 mins) before we head into crunches.
lemme tell ya, you have not done crunches unless you do it with these two trainers barking at you. first, sadie sits on your feet, firmly planting her 90+ lb wiggle-butt on top of your toes. chloe stays at your head, encouraging you with feathery kisses on your moving forehead.
after a few minutes, they switch positions. chloe head down to your feet and lays across chewing the rope toy or your shoelaces (whichever it doesn't matter) while the real workout begins with sadie. you know the burn of doing crunches? the sore, pulling feeling in your gut?
now feel it with a 90lb rottweiler flopping across your flabby abs. oommph! if she doesn't succeed in sucking the wind out of you, she gives you more incentives to keep moving -- she's now within licking distance of your face. from personal experience, now its the time to begin working the lateral abdominals muscles by moving side to side. like a crocodile, sadie has trouble following quick side-to-side movements. when you've had enough torture, you can finally release with a few quick stretches.
downward-facing dog was not obviously never practiced by someone with the real thing.
after breaking into a sweat watching my husband and brother carry the hefty piece of machinery to our second-floor crap-room (i fully expected them to scratch the walls), i realized it was time to put up or shut up. my flabby thighs had no more excuses to not get to the gym. the mountain had come to mohammed. fat cells be damned!
besides the fact that my ass had now taken on the proportions of a dancer in a rap music video (shake that booty, booty!), the rest of my clothes were getting tight. so much in fact as when my concave boss announced her pregnancy, i felt sick.
i knew even in her 9th month of pregnancy that i would still weigh a good 30lbs heavier... when i was in my "thin phase". argghh.
when she told the crew of us assembled in her office, she asked is anyone else had an announcement to make. although i cannot say i spoke to anyone to confirm or deny, i swear heads turned towards me.
feeding my tapeworm and cheesy bread addiction led to a startling new discovery:
not only did i think i was the office piglet, but now apparently others thought so, too.
or maybe they were thinking i was pregnant and hadn't told anyone yet. what i really didn't want to tell anyone was that my expanding waistline was due to blindly eating a full bag of meredith's mess -- a scrumptious blend of almonds, chocolate chips, raisins and cashews from 'nuts to you' after lunch. or the cheesy bread course that came with lunch.
it was my own undoing. but now, i have dogercise.
after getting said elliptical machine from my archnemesis -- my mother-in-law -- i needed to actually use it. it only took only one morning to determine that i really am not a morning person.
that coupled with perhaps some of the best sleeping-in weather for the year (crisp and cool, windows open) killed any shot i had about working out twice a day as i originally schemed.
my method of fast-tracking my summer weightloss plan about 2 weeks before the official start of summer was to exercise my ass off. literally. workouts twice a day, 1200 calories, drunk dieting and a plan to stay away from adelle, my enabling drinking partner.
all of which got shot to shit. leaving us to the point in the story where my personal trainers come in. i was panting away on the elliptical one night -- "bouncing" as my husband calls it -- when i realized i wasn't the only one panting. ("things are just bouncing all over the place," he says. the sad part is that he is watching me from behind.)
seems sadie the rocking rottweiler was panting behind me and was none too happy. it seems the movement on the elliptical with arms flailing about on me and the machine made her nervous. it was also her kryptonite -- she was scared to get whacked by either of us and so kept her distance.
now if you know sadie, you'll know she prefers to be within licking distance of me at all times. the longer i stay on the elliptical, the longer i avoid a tongue bath from her. the longer i avoid the tongue bath, the more it pisses her off and will cause her to bark words of encouragement to me, "get down here momma so i can give you a kiss. right NOW, mamma. awww c'mon." pure magic, baby.
next in our circuit training is a tag-team affair. they tend to leave me alone to stretch (their daddy needs to bribe them with a cookie to give me a free 5 mins) before we head into crunches.
lemme tell ya, you have not done crunches unless you do it with these two trainers barking at you. first, sadie sits on your feet, firmly planting her 90+ lb wiggle-butt on top of your toes. chloe stays at your head, encouraging you with feathery kisses on your moving forehead.
after a few minutes, they switch positions. chloe head down to your feet and lays across chewing the rope toy or your shoelaces (whichever it doesn't matter) while the real workout begins with sadie. you know the burn of doing crunches? the sore, pulling feeling in your gut?
now feel it with a 90lb rottweiler flopping across your flabby abs. oommph! if she doesn't succeed in sucking the wind out of you, she gives you more incentives to keep moving -- she's now within licking distance of your face. from personal experience, now its the time to begin working the lateral abdominals muscles by moving side to side. like a crocodile, sadie has trouble following quick side-to-side movements. when you've had enough torture, you can finally release with a few quick stretches.
downward-facing dog was not obviously never practiced by someone with the real thing.
look who's back
i am baaack, beeeyatches.
for a time, i was speechless. lost my voice, my nerve and need to rip on this and that. well, not really. i still needed to rip on things but my self-censoring mechanism was tuned to high. thank god for my goddess friends who absorbed and nurtured me through much of my freak-out.
i am back and ready to tell some stories.
for a time, i was speechless. lost my voice, my nerve and need to rip on this and that. well, not really. i still needed to rip on things but my self-censoring mechanism was tuned to high. thank god for my goddess friends who absorbed and nurtured me through much of my freak-out.
i am back and ready to tell some stories.