love thy neighbor

they say you gotta love thy neighbors, but sometimes, what i really want to do is beat them and bury them in my backyard.

if it didn't keep on happening, i would think maybe i'm being overly sensitive. sort of like the old poker adage: if you when look around the table and can't pick out the sucker, then the sucker is probably you.

well, in this case, i can identify the sucker, and it ain't me. but i think i am the asshole-attracting magnet.

right now, as i write this, my neighbor is playing the drums. loudly. even with the windows shut, it's a pounding thump-thump-thump like a broken metronome. if my neighbor played the drums with any skill, it wouldn't be half as bad. when i lived in my condo before we moved here, we had a neighbor across the hall that knew the opening chords to smoke on the water.

but that's all he knew. day and night, it's all we would hear: dduuuhhnnn, dduuhhnnnn, dduuhhhnnnn, dun, dun, dun, ddduuuhhhnnnnn. thankfully though, it was loudest before we ventured into our front door, and once shut, it was barely imperceptible until you opened the front door and waited for someone to scream "play free bird."

but my neighbor is either still learning how to play or he is calling the spirits of hades to rise up against me. it's not like we live that closely to one another. my house is not attached to his and furthermore his house is easily the width of a south philadelphia street from my house. although we do share a driveway, the driveway is wide enough to fit four car widths.

the driveway! that reminds me, two summers ago, he bought his children little crotch rockets motor bikes. (this is not to be confused with pocket rockets. that's just creepy.) because his spermatazoa are now about 10 years old, they can't exactly go far on their suuuu-zoo-keys. instead, all summer long, they would ride these gas guzzling bikes up and down the shared driveway. they could accelerate just enough in either direction to drive me crazy.

then one day, the bikes were gone. i danced a little happy dance. only to stop when it was replaced by a hot tub and a boat.

now, let's set the record straight -- these folks are not the rockefellers. they are industrious trash pickers. resourceful, even. but still trash pickers.

the boat was bought for a song from another neighbor who, if i ever track down exactly who it sold it to him, will be getting a flaming bag of poo left on the doorstep from me because i have a rusty, stinky barge-like thing taking up space in my driveway. (yes, it's mine. all mine.)

the hot tub is the scariest of all. situated against the back of their house, and steeped in darkness away from the stream of lights shone from either of our garages, the hot tub provides them with entertainment at all hours of the night.

i'll let the dogs out for a final pee and hear giggling in the dark. the dogs go wild looking for the source of the laughter. i'm just horrified once my brain wraps itself around where its coming from. one night as i was coming home late, i parked the car when i heard someone else coming, too. ewwwww.

so i guess for now, i should be relieved it's only the sound of drums being played. when the weather warms up in the next few weeks, my neighbors will be finding other ways to drive me crazy.

dismount

okay, i know it's been way tooo long since my last post, beware of spam monkey which was half-assed to begin with. my time has been severely crunched lately. you know it's been too long when people ask you why you haven't updated your site lately, and begin to think something is seriously wrong.

where to begin? where to begin?

hmmm, i have written and rewritten and rewritten a 20-page article for my class this semester. after telling me what a wonderful writer i am and completely fully fluffing my ego, i actually told him in class "where's the but? i know it's in there somewhere" -- he tells me i'm a propagandist. huh?

then he really insulted me. he called me "newt gringrich". newt-fcuking-gringrich. a white-haired, hardcore rightwing politico has-been from the 90s. are you kidding me?

i looked at him, mouth open because i've been called a lot of things in my life -- bitch, cunt, ass, feminazi, pink-o commie -- but a right wing conservative asshole is a new one to add to the list.

seems the "issues" piece i was writing was too one-sided. his solution? start over. from scratch. i hated him. i still don't like this socially immature prof -- but and here's the important part -- i have learned something from him. as much as i am loathe to admit it.

* * * * *

the clock rolled over on another year of my life. i have high hopes for "thirty won-derful". so far at least, there's been no sickness in me or my family like last year's dance into a new decade. now, all but one friend has transitioned to the decade of the big three-oh.

funny, growing up and watching thirtysomething, those people seemed sooo old. i mean they had kids and careers and seemed more together than me and my friends do. instead, we're like an older version of friends or at least how the version would be if the characters all played their real age from the beginning. we're still searching for our path -- some of us are further on the path but none of us are too sure of where its going and if this is where we'll be in 5 years.

now that i think of it, most of us want to be somewhere else in 5 years. the goddess girls want to be nurses, married and some with families of their own. belly wants to be settled somewhere, family optional. others are coming to terms with dreams we had as children may not be realized like lainey. i want to write books and quit the corporate grind, as much as i love the feverish pace, the politics, and the insanity a co-worker adamently calls "that's bullsssshhhit. bullshit."

and as much as some of us are freaking out, others are on cruise control and just enjoying the scenery. i am most jealous of them.

* * * * *

sleep has been scant these last few weeks. when i get stressed, my body reacts two ways: 1) i have trouble sleeping, and 2) chocolate becomes as essential to life as air.

you can joke but when i checked an email that said there could be a possible chocolate shortage, it brought a cold panic over me. i will be that crazy person caught on grainy convenience store footage holding the poor clerk hostage over a twix bar. or worse, i'll be found guilty of assaulting girl scouts over their boxes of thin mints.

regardless, when i'm stressed out, sleep-deprived and craving a chocolate fix, i can be.... oh, how to put this delicately...mmmm. bitchy?

okay, bitchier than normal. or as my brother is now quick to remind me these days, i need to dismount.

as in crawl down off my high horse.

i hope you forgive my tardiness in posting. i was trying to figure of how to jump off without crashing.

beware the spam monkey

my work's email servers have been bombarded with spam lately. at least 20 or so emails slip through each day.

and i couldn't be happier.

spam, you see, is my generation's answer to beatnik poetry. mam tells me i have a future in spoken word poetry for how excitedly i recite the best ones.

behold:

Only two options now / working angle
Thinking, lovable still me now comes / hard part image.
Care, play ice hockey, free demon.

Actor in second announced? Version lot detail outline know, effect!
Macho here atlas anything detailed, spank billyboy.

Penguin, ed the following is quote:
Calming breath and then, cuddly / another cute / go back to cuddly. Comments feedback. linuxorg, banners copyright, inc. Raw fish

feel coming fat able see because
It has either just gotten laid, or stuffed.
Simple single would others being, used?

Means, it has either, just gotten laid, or say sickly, sweet voice baby talk almost oohwhat. But politic wont should looking.

Mommy, larger some more leaning. Part image firmly etched your eyeballs youthen scetch stylizied.

Any macho here atlas, anything detailed.
Associated randy well do but politic. Beatific smile place be when have.

They, say sickly sweet voice babytalk almost oohwhat.
Bet he will jump, scream mommy larger some more.

Rights reserved casino gifts occasions.
Penguins first take deep, calming breath, and then cuddly another.
Part image firmly, etched your eyeballs.
Poker diamond engagement rings herbalife available.

Feel coming fat, able see, because too stand bean.
Voice, babytalk almost ooh what, bet he.