anyway, we decided early in the year to go away for our anniversary. in years past, we've been haunted by the killing season that is grandparentus interruptus. so even in this even-numbered year, we tempted fate by leaving our cocoon and the princess and piglet puppies home.
we drove 2 hours to get away from our lives here and for me at least, all the worries that accompany it. driving up to lake wallen-ppp-pauck (i can't pronounce the sucker, let's just leave it at that) in the cold hard rain that friday night, i worried that my suburban assault vehicle would go crashing off the road into a tree. i worried that a deer or whole friggin' flock of 'em would come dashing out in front of me and land on my windshield. i worried i would hit a slick patch of leaves and slide off the road into a ditch or worse, into the lake that i can't even pronounce.
somehow i am not sure this exchange would make the next onstar commercial:
onstar: "ma'am, we've detected that your airbags have deployed. is everyone alright?"
me: "no! fcuckin' help me. my mutha-fcukin' car is in water. i think i'm in lake www-all-n-pppp-uck."
onstar: "ma'am, are you alright? have your hit your head? you're not making any sense. i am sending an ambulance to you. can you tell me where you are?"
me: "i told you, i didn't hit my friggin' head! i'm in mutha fcukin' lake www-all-n-pppp-puck. and i can't swim!"
onstar: "ma'am, everything is going to be alright. help is on its way to you. try to keep your neck in one position until help arrives. they can help you with your head injury."
these are the thoughts that run through my head as i am driving on a highway that's not really a highway in upstate pennsyl-tucky. i worry like some people breathe, much too heavy and annoying for everyone in close enough proximity.
but i told myself i was not paying oodles of money to go away and worry in a foreign location. i even picked this location based on how well it was decorated. no, there would be no worrying and i planned to drink and be naked all weekend.
yum. naked. naked and drunk.
it's been a while since i had been either, mostly due to the bloodthinners and my insane body issues. but it's something i have desperately wanted to be for a long time.
after finally arriving at our destination -- in one piece -- it was time to start on the naked and drunk part of our weekend. a nice glass of riesling for me and a godiva martini for mam we were all set to start our weekend of decadence. lots of dirty sex before falling asleep on our wonderfully soft, king-sized bed.
sometime in the middle of the night, i remembered something as i sat up in the bed and gasped for air, i'm allergic to goose down. and right then i discovered i was trapped in a goose down sandwich -- feather bed atop our mattress, comforter and pillows. i hit the allergy trifecta on this one.
realizing that being able to breathe was vitally important to making to morning, i gathered the only non-goose down blanket on the bed and headed over to the sofa by the fireplace. shivering because a leather sofa is fcukin' cold when you're naked and only wrapped in a cotton coverlet, fireplace or no fireplace.
what a way to start an anniversary weekend. but at least i was still a little tipsy.
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