closer i am to fine

i'm trying to tell you something about my life
what a difference seven days makes.

in seven days -- one short week -- i presented to a board of directors with only two hours notice, i received a great response from a literary agent that i contacted, i have been pulled in opposite directions on two major projects at work, and i introduced myself to our ceo after a few hours of drinking with coworkers.

wrap my fear around me like a blanket
i hate public speaking. there is something very naked about standing in front of a room and speaking to them as an expert. i'm not an expert in anything except maybe being bitchy. who the fcuk am i to pretend otherwise? why should these people listen to the words that fall from my lips?

the truth is, i'm not that bad at it. the surge of adrenaline that pumps through your veins seconds before you get up there is as strong as any drug i've ever experienced. actors and actresses know what i am talking about, the moment when the curtain pulls back or the camera pans in your direction and exposes you. for a split second, you consider bolting in the opposite direction. but instead, you puff your chest with one soulfully deep breath before you smile and step forward. i stepped forward in that meeting.

i spent four years prostrate to the higher mind
when i started my graduate degree program, i'm not sure i went in fully aware of where i was heading. on the surface, i looked for an easy masters degree in a program that i could at least justify as being related to my job in order to get my company to pay for it. and oh yeah, the program and school needed to not require gre or gmat scores. (i'm a smart cookie but i quickly crumble when it comes to standardized tests.)

now, two years later and halfway to completion, i know what i want out of this but am not sure i need to finish my degree to get there. if i can get attention from a publisher and agent without having my masters, do i really need it? or have i sucked the marrow from the bone already? my remaining classes are of the fluffy variety.

one of my core beliefs is there is a reason for everything and something to be learned from each experience. what i have yet to learn is how to determine when it's time to move on.

i stop by the bar at three a.m.
okay, it was more like four p.m. but i was definitely seeking solace in a bottle and a friend. in our office we work like dogs sometimes, but we absolutely take every chance we can to run wild from time to time. so with a few shots already in our system and the jukebox rotating between johnny cash and the killers, i look around at the great people i call my coworkers.

"they're good people" i hear someone say to another. and it's true. everyone gets along with each other, our wacked sense of humor feeds each other making what could be difficult days into something memorable for completely different reasons.

there is more than one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line
which leads me to back to exactly where i started and the reason for starting multiplicity in the first place. with so many dueling and competing energies in me, how do you give priority to one without sacrificing the other?

of course, if the ceo decides to strike up a conversation with me after another whiskey-soaked afternoon, the line to the unemployment office may not be so crooked.

less i seek more source for some definitive
i know any chance of getting my writing established is a long way off despite the positive news i've gotten recently, i know one day i'll be forced to choose.
until that day comes, as i look around at the faces of my friends and coworkers all belting out the words the lyrics of the indigo girls that inspired us in our college days, i know i will be closer to fine.