crybaby

stuck on a fairly packed train ride home (who are all these slackers who leave the city at 3:30pm on a friday?), i have just figured out i can post to my blog from my crackberry.

ooh sweet goddess, if i don't go blind from writing on a 1" screen or have my thumbs fall off first, this may turn out to be a very exciting discovery. although it's a pain in the ass in someways (blindness and cramped thumbs aside) because of how technology is made for all the stoopid people who can't remember to capitalize the first word in each sentence.

ahem.

(i choose not to for stylistic reasons and as a direct fcuk you to the man. wherever he may be.)

seriously, the reason i am so happy i can now post things almost immediately is because i can post things immediately. no more simmering on septa, no more artfully crafting prose in my head with a "oh no, she din't" shoulder swivel -- just real emotion right now.

which leads me back to crybaby.

here's a dirty little secret nobody knows... I'm a crier. oh sure, i'm tough as nails but if pushed too far, those lil buggers spring to my eyes as i hold back my fury. (or while I kick your ass, all depends on the situation.)

and i hate it -- every stinking minute of it. it makes me weak, it makes me a girl for crissakes!

some might say it makes me human, too, but let's not dwell on those things, shall we?

but when push comes to shove and i am about to come undone, there's little i can do to stop them. the buggers well up and begin to cloud my vision, and the embarrassment of showing that it, you, or anyone else can crack my thick shell adds to their number.

on the inside, i may scream "oh no" but on the outside, i merely smile and say, "i can do it" while discreetly pulling on my shitkicking boots to jump right in.

because the reality is i think i can do it all and when confronted with maybe -- just maybe, that I can't -- well, that reality can be too much to bear.

because "no" is a word i hate almost as much as "crybaby".