weapons of PMD (pierogie making day)

in one month, the longest day will settle upon me. no, not the summer equinox, but the day that earns me brownie points towards heaven - pierogie-making-day (PMD).

PMD is a 12-hour day spent at my in-laws' cramped kitchen getting covered in flour, dough, clumps of mashed potato and shreds of sauerkraut. this is served with a big hearty bite of family dysfunction and side of god-awful mix tapes of christmas songs. really, this is what xanax was made for.

"this day is a family tradition," i am told. this is what families who don't have cable tv do for fun. the amish have more fun than we do on this day.

my tolerance for drinking is pretty light lately. in years past, my husband and i would start drinking pretty soon after arriving. a nice buzz makes it easier to ignore the dysfunction and imagine my happy place.

anyone who shares a love affair like the one i do with my in-laws will understand my pain. my mother-in-law has never worked a day in her life. she married young, gave birth to her babies (at an age before i had even graduated from college) and her life stopped soon after that. so my career goals, my education, my fear of children, my life path scares the bejeesus out of her.

the only thing we share in common is the fact that we both are bitches and we both like dick. of course if i ever shared that insight with her, i might cause the heartattack or stroke that i secretly long for on PMD. (not that i wish her dead anything -- swarms of killer bees, fire, flood, locusts -- that allows me to escape from PMD is part of my "happy place" scenario.)

on the flip side, i get to catch up with the latest in medical technologies from her that she's absorbed through watching public television that day (i wasn't kidding, she refuses to get cable tv). things such as how the flu vaccine will make you sick with the flu. unfortunately things often get lost in translation with her.

for the most part, i survive the day. my only real injury are the welts that appear on my forehead from the smacking it endures. homer simpson has more moments of brilliance and he is a cartoon character.

she is showing a moment of true genius this year. our calendar gets booked normally a month in advance; the holiday rush of shopping, decorating and parties start even earlier. she's learned her lesson in years past if you don't set a firm date well in advance, we may get booked with other plans.

so this year, she reserved december 18th as PMD. all the way back in october. joy to the world.