christmas nazi

i am a christmas nazi. my husband just laughs at my insane rules of engagement for the holidays.

"there are rules", i say to him each year. "there are standards for decorating your house for the holidays. we are just not colored-light people."

i tell him, when in doubt, just ask yourself, "what would martha do?" if a white pine roping near the front door is what martha stewart teaches -- then go for it.

martha does not espouse plastic, light-up figurines of toy soldiers, candles or candy cane lights that provide a runway entrance to the land of gawdy christmas decor. mangers that serve as dog houses the other 11 months of the year are not allowed to be called in to serve as the birthplace for a plastic baby jesus whose face is rubbed off from exposure to decades of snow, ice and petty vandals.

i also find fault with those huge inflatable lawn items. part of the reason i am not allowed to own a gun is because i would most likely be found wandering around less than sober taking aim at the army of inflatable santas invading my neighborhood.

the funniest inflatable was a homer simpson dressed as santa on my neighbors lawn. homer was knocked over with his usually waving hand just reaching upright like he was passed out on the lawn from a night of too much duff's beer.

last night on the way home from my dreaded in-laws, we passed a fallen santa laying face first on the roof of a business. normally welcoming passersby, this time santa decided he had to get his groove on. the gentle wind last night made santa bob up and down like he was humping the storefront roof.

"that has to be illegal", my husband said, "what if some family with kids drove by and saw that?" i just said it's just another reason to ban bad christmas decor.

martha would never allow a humping santa.