miles to nowhere

when i turned on the radio thursday morning, i should have realized what was in store for me. my routine business trip would become the trip to hell.

at 6:00 am, the man on the radio said that there was an accident on the only road into my destination. i did not worry, though, because i would be arriving hours later, surely they could clean up an accident by then.

little did i know the carma police had melded with the karma police.

i had been looking forward to this trip for work, close enough to the beaches where i had many good childhood memories. there is something different about the light and air that it has the power to rejuvenate someone simply by breathing it all in. i was happy for two days away from the office, in this magical place. it would be a chance for me to bond with my new car in our first road trip alone.

my decision to buy this vehicle was a life-altering decision except that the decision was made for me. getting an suburban assault vehicle had never really crossed my radar until i felt the linebacker-like bear hug as the other car slammed me from the side, the crunch pushing me across the intersection. the other driver hit the side of my car where my husband and two babies were sitting. the side of my car was so crushed that doctors were amazed no one in my family was hurt. we were hyper aware that if the car had been any other make and model than what it was, we would have had a very different outcome. mama bear had been poked hard and she was ready to tear someone's muthafcuking limbs off.

if i could have wrapped my family in a bubble-wrapped version of steel, i would. so i went out and bought the next best thing. a massive, gaz-guzzling suburban assault vehicle (sav) that is large enough that if another idiot attempts to bear hug my car while we're in it, that car better be a friggin' slinky to absorb the impact.

in the next battle of us vs. them, i am not taking any chances. the muthafcuker better bounce.

all of this just leads to my business trip from hell. rolling down the highway in morning traffic in my sav, i kept checking in on the traffic reports to see where the pitfalls were. thankfully, i caught the report as we started to back up when a tractor trailer slid across three lanes of an exit route, blocking all traffic. my sav and i sat sucking down gas quicker than a toothless, $5 hooker gives a blowjob.

hopping off at the next available exit and maneuvering back roads instead of the highways i can't get to, with three hours to go, i felt like i was driving miles to nowhere.