pink mist

for any devoted grey's anatomy fans, you'll understand my reference in the subject line. in one amazingly brilliant episode, a patient comes into the hospital bleeding out and most likely to die if not for the actions of a young EMT played by christina ricci who instinctively put her own hand inside his chest to stop the flow of blood rushing from his heart.

her actions are somewhat heroic; the doctors are all amazed at her quick thinking to save the patient's life. that is, until they discover the patient whose heart she is holding is determine to have a live, homemade grenade lodged in his chest cavity. one that could detonate at any moment. with or without provocation.

that's how i feel right now. this blood clot in my leg is that live, homemade grenade wedged inside my calf at this moment, waiting to dislodge and travel to my heart or my lungs, cutting short my so-called life.

when this happens, when they know that it is a grenade that she is touching, her anxiety is palpable, her fear tangible as christina ricci acted her ass off in those scenes. so the moment when she decides she can't handle the pressure any more, good ol' meredith who is always a bit on the risky side, slides her hand in place of the young EMT. stupid move, some say when one false move could blow the building to smithereens. or pink mist, as the hunky bomb squad captain called it, as in the only thing left after detonation if you're the unfortunate one holding the bomb at the time.

the rest of the show is filled with nail-biting moments of anxiety and preparations to prep the hospital for the removal of the device. much like now, when i swallow 4 pills of blood thinner a day, trying to keep my blood thin enough while i wait for my body to dissolve the clot. much like now, there is confusion and uncertainty and moments of sheer anger at the helplessness of the situation.

and there are moments of sheer delirium when faced with challenge that you are able to muddle through, like meredith standing at the hallway watching the hunky bombsquad captain slowly make his way out with the building holding the device, freeing her from servitude to it. i was meredith yesterday after i successfully gave myself an injection, that's my "just in case" medicine.

in case the pills aren't working as they should (which they haven't) to prevent me from becoming my own version of pink mist.