salty salad tears

crying at weddings is usually reserved for a select few -- the mothers of the bride and groom, bridesmaids, grandmothers, the little old ladies who wander in off the street to see a bit of romantic love in action. these tears are most often to occur during the actual ceremony or during a speech.

who you will usually NOT find crying at a wedding is an usher or other male friends of the groom. and you really wouldn't expect it to happen over the second course at dinner.

but at the most recent wedding i attended and served in, that's exactly what happened. i'm not sure what served as the catalyst as his salad was being served to him. it could have been the red wine, it could have been the song ("over the rainbow" by israel something-hawaiian-that-i-never-remember) or my incessant bleating on about how cool the bride's dad is and how i wished he was my own. it could have been an aggregate of all of these things as much as it could have been nothing at all.

my husband broke down over his salad.

it's been only a few months since his dad had passed away. i thought he was handling the loss fairly well, adjusting to how his life and those of his mother and siblings had changed. he seemed to be "normalizing" from the events of this spring.

he maintained his composure until he could no longer do so. tears welling up so far as to finally allow the dam to break at his best friend's wedding, over salad, in a crowded room full of people. this burst of emotion scared me. i have only witnessed this type of instant-meltdown once before -- when his mother did the same thing to me. from out of the blue, a gut-wrenching sob shakes from them. i do the only thing i know how to do -- get him up and out of there. before his mother who was in attendance catches on as to what is happening... before i have TWO instant-meltdowns happening at once.

into the long hallway that connects the banquet room and the hotel we walked. glass doors along both sides make this a fishbowl of human emotion. a kind waitress walks up behind me and hands off a box of tissues and a bottle of water. a simple gesture.

i should have recognized some of the signs. at the rehearsal dinner when he spoke from the heart about his status as honorary step-child of the groom's family. his many fond memories of growing up together with the groom, of friendship and love.

all of this speaking to those who understand his unspoken language of his fractured relationship with his own father. how much of his formative years were spent under the shadow of his younger brother's accomplishments.

all of which didn't matter now. nothing could underscore how much he missed his father. how in this room, filled with happiness and family and love -- a concept not linked often enough in reality -- he felt his loss most severely.