this much i know is true

this much i know is true -- i will never win the daughter-in-law of the year award.

in all reality, i just pray we don't wind up in a pay-per-view cage-match wrestling over the "bitch of the year" award that my husband swears we will wind up doing one day.

my mother-in-law and i exist on different planets orbiting in different solar systems. at times, in dealing with her i wonder if i smack myself on the head hard enough with a heavy object, i may kill enough brain cells to understand what she is thinking.

i can't even say there's a catalyst that ignites my vehement towards her. it's like a little earthquake that rumbles when i think, speak or see her.

what frustrates me to no end is her laissez-faire attitude towards every aspect of her life -- from caring for her basic needs to planning the rest of her days. it's more so than simply putting your head in the sand.

she sticks her head in the sand so deeply it comes a china man's ass.

to this day and as she no doubt has these same plans to live out the rest of her life, she expects people to take care of her. to drive her to go grocery shopping or to the bank or to the doctor. to remind her to make the doctor's appointment for her. to take care of her house and its maintence like unpaid serfs on her dirt-filled suburban hamlet becuase she doesn't see the hazards in the layers of dirt or newspaper-filled maze she created in her home. to be available to her beck-and-call. to basically, have every thought for her. it's like having paris hilton as your mother-in-law but poor and dowdy paris hilton. and lemme tell you, that's so not hot.

to a girl who prides her self in being completely self-sufficient of any man and loves her independence, this smells like a set-up on a tv sitcom.

[voiceover]: on today's "we're a family" show, we'll watch as two completely different human beings attempt to make nice and "become a family." viewers please take note -- we offer our sincerest apologies to anyone affected by last week's episode when we attempted to "make a family" with the zebra and the lion.

the main lessons i've learned to apply to my life are simply these three:
1) learn to take care of yourself,
2) trust the gnawing feelin' in your belly to be right most of the time,
3) every woman is one man away from welfare if she lets herself be.

in my dealings with her, i alternate between wanting to shake some sense into her and really, really pitying her wasted life.

this much i know is true, it's time for her to take off the rose-colored glasses and live her own life.