accidental wisdom

i don't often expect to find bits of wisdom in a pop song. while i will admit certain artists lend themselves as pseudo-philosophers, the majority of them do not.

so i was surprised to have a moment of clarity when listening to kelly clarkson's "because of you" while folding laundry. it just doesn't happen that often and maybe i was keyed into that locked away segment of my mind because i would be seeing him tonight. my father, that is.

i try not to see him or speak with him if i can avoid it. our relationship is 30 wasted years of absences, rejections, misunderstandings and missed expectations. it is not healthy for me to continue it but at the same time i can't be the one to make the final break. he started this and he should end it. for my sake. but he continues to drag on and force my hand for that one day when i tell him i am done. i have had enough.

so where does kelly's wisdom fare in all this? as i listened to her drone on about how "because of you, she's unable to trust, she wakes up in the middle of the night, afraid, never stray to far from the sidewalk, so she won't get hurt", i realized that no matter how fcuked up my relationship was there were definite positives for me.

like kelly, i have a hard time trusting people, and once bitten, well, you're out the door before we test to see if and how shyness plays a part in that old saying.

unlike kelly, though, i am not afraid. because really i am much better off with having him leave me.

because of you
i am a stronger person because i had to be.

i am extremely self-sufficient i had to be. because no one was coming to my rescue to bail me out financially, or emotionally.

i am a more responsible adult now because i had plenty of practice at such a young age. (my later freak-out years i know now were a direct result of being forced to be the "parent" when i should have been allowed to be a child.)

i have my shit together now when i see so many others floundering around me looking for meaning in their lives, continually looking for happiness or just trying to find themselves, whatever. i don't know why. maybe because i have worked so hard up to this point this is my reward when others are only starting their journey of self-realization.

so because of you, i owe my success to no one but myself. please don't try to take credit for any of it. don't stand at my college graduation when they ask the parents to stand and receive their ovation for the years of loving support. my blood curdled when i saw you standing the crowd. for what honor did you deserve? you are a fraud who crashed a party you were not invited to.

because of you, i worked as a teenager to pay my child support payments when you refused to. because i you, i had to make ends meet somehow and learned the value of money and where it is best spent. because of you, i learned how to go without a lot of things. and today, everything i have is because i worked damn hard for it.

so you can sit there and tell me how proud you are of me. i can sit there and not breathe fire at you when you say it. but still, you miserable old fcuk, it's all because of you.