blue without "grey"

freakin' oscars. they preempted the all that is good in the world when they replaced "grey's anatomy" with tinseltown's version of the anorexic olympics. here we have adult women who haven't eaten in days, all decked out in couture with arms as thin as michael jackson's alibis lugging around an 8-lb gold statute. someone's gonna get hurt.

i tried to stay away from the massacre. i watched enough "pre-game" action to know that reese witherspoon is my new hero -- starred in 'sweet home alabama' with both mcdreamy and yummy josh lucas! beyond that, i got a little bitter. it's the last sunday before the "sopranos" make their triumphant return to hbo and i need to change my viewing habits. no longer can the 9 pm hour be used to pack my lunch, do dishes, iron my clothes.

okay, strike that last one. my husband irons all my clothes. let's switch it to "get my clothes ready." ahhh, much better.

but back to the stinky oscars. my nephew oscar's diaper stinks less than these award shows. when i am queen, i am going to change how these shows flow.

no longer will people have 5 minutes to thank everyone from their elementary school librarian to jesus in casting. uh-uh, the announcer will announce the category, introduce the nominees and a brief clip of their performance, then the envelope please..... at which point the winner will dart on stage, pump their reedy little arms in the air, accept their gold-plated paperweight and move offstage. brownie points are awarded if anyone trips across the stage doing their one-arm pump.

no "thank yous", no "i'd like to thank the academy" bullshit. we know you're excited. we know you're happy. and we sooo know you're thankful that not eating for 6 months paid off. so please save us the bland speech that everyone gives. like the freakin' energizer bunny, the same song just keeps going and going.

instead -- if you must give a speech -- tell us how you really feel: "see, jane in costume, i told you if i wore the pink bonnet, my character would suffer. and look, i've won an award. bite me, jane."

that's what dr. yang would say. bite me, academy.